I’ve been feeling glimmers of wanting to write again. My novel, essays that I’ve started, etc. But just glimmers so far. I’m still struggling with self-confidence. The only writing I’ve been doing are my blogs. It seems like I’ve been doing less creative writing since I got the laptop. I’m not sure why. It could be coincidental. Maybe sitting on the couch isn’t the best place to write. It’s true that I’m not using the office anymore. But the desk there is too high, I think. And I like having the laptop with me at all times. Has anyone invented a laptop desk that can be used when you’re sitting on a couch or in an armchair? Are there lower desks that you can get for your office? But then that kind of defeats the purpose of a laptop, doesn’t it?
I think it does matter where you write, but I can’t seem to find my ideal place. My own office is a catastrophe. I keep meaning to straighten it out; I have papers stacked everywhere and my files need reorganizing desperately. But I just can’t make myself do it. I guess I don’t really like being in there. Maybe a writer needs a place that says to her, “This is your writing place.” Just like they say that you shouldn’t do anything else (watch TV, work at your desk) but sleep and have sex in your bedroom, maybe you shouldn’t do anything else but write in your writing place. That way when you go there, you associate it with writing and nothing else. Maybe that’s why I’m having trouble sitting on the living room couch. But I’ve done some of my best writing in the past in our laundry room, a corner of our basement bedroom (no windows) or in the aforementioned office. I don’t think it matters so much where I write but whether or not I have something to say.
I think that’s my real crisis: I don’t feel that I have anything to say. I suppose my life has been interesting, but I can’t think of how to write about it. I used to think that I had unique insights on things but now my thoughts bore even me. Is it my medication? But how could I be any more productive if I went off it and became a mess emotionally? There has to be a way around this. But all I feel is despair. I need a writing mentor or coach. But is there such a thing? I really don’t think that a writing group would do it for me. I don’t want to spend my time writing from prompts like the group I’ve joined (but never manage to attend) does. Although maybe I should. I obviously need something to inspire me. I have all these writing books, but none of them seems to help.
One thing I know I need to do more of is read good books. What I mean is, books by good writers. But then I think I have to emulate them and what I really need to do is find my own voice. That’s exactly how I feel: like I’ve lost my voice. I don’t like who I am right now—or what I’m doing—so I don’t like my own voice. Or maybe you don’t have one when you’re not being true to yourself. The only problem is, I don’t know what I should be doing. I feel like I need plenty of time to write, but then I don’t use it. I waste entire days writing in my journals and looking things that interest me up on the Internet. I bet I could wander all day at the library. I don’t want to give up the luxury of time that I now have to do things like that. All my life I’ve wanted time to write. Now I have plenty of it. So that doesn’t appear to be the main problem.
What do I love writing about? What do I feel drawn to? I love writing about my house—about all my houses. Maybe I should pick up on that idea I had of writing about all the parts of a house. But whenever I start to write something like that, I think, who’s going to be interested in this? This is too specific to me. Maybe I should stop worrying about who would want to read what I write and just write to please myself.